


Alignment

by mansikka



Series: Filling In The Gaps [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-07 20:42:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14089260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Some more thoughts during Rise Up and This World Inverted





	Alignment

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :)
> 
> This is just me rambling my own take on things for my own benefit imagining stuff in between, please make of it whatever you will!

For the first time in his life, Alec is disappointed that it's Jace's name appearing on his phone as his dad tends to his shoulder wound, hoping to hear from Magnus. Alec listens to his dad talking but doesn't hear a single word, his head full of conflicting thoughts; mostly of what being married to Lydia's going to be like.

Alec imagines them sharing a room together, a bed, and feels bile rise up in his throat, wondering if they can come to some arrangement for separate bedrooms that no one else has to know about. Alec thinks Lydia suspects that there is something to the way he feels about Magnus, and is under no illusion that he has any attraction to her at all. But Lydia is a textbook Shadowhunter, born into duty, deviating from the path only a few times, and is probably the best guide to put Alec back where he belongs.

A little later, Magnus appears, called by whoever has called him to fix the Institute's wards. Alec watches him work, arms folded tight across his chest as he does, feeling uncomfortable for being in the same small space with his father and Magnus as he strains to keep all his _thoughts_ of Magnus from escaping now he's let himself acknowledge he's having them. He has too many other things to think about; it's frivolous and foolish to be allowing a single thought for anything else. Emotions are not going to rule him; who does he think he is, a  _Mundane_?

Alec stays back a half-step as his dad and Magnus talk, not trusting his voice not to reveal some of what he's been thinking if he tries to add anything. And when his dad walks away Alec has to assume a mindset of duty, is sharper with Magnus than intended, though darting his eyes out across the Institute fearing people will _notice_ there's a change to the way he feels. It's not something he can have anyway, which is a feeling he should be used to. But it's important he doesn't reveal himself, so slips behind an even sterner mask.

"If anything were to happen to you—"

"Magnus," Alec says, cutting him off for fear of his softness making those feelings spill from him anyway, "I'm good. All right? I gotta—"

"Go?" Magnus says, smiling. "Of course. You're a busy man. And I should find this Lydia person. Payment upfront is just smart business. Where might I find her?"

"I haven't seen her," Alec all but barks back at him, angry with himself more than anyone else. In truth, he doesn't want Lydia anywhere near Magnus, selfishly want to keep Magnus to himself, even though he can't. "But if I do, I'll send her your way."

Alec can feel Magnus' eyes on him as he all but runs from him, and doesn't trust himself not to turn around.

* * *

If one thing has come from the awfulness of Meliorn being interrogated, it's the way Alec can look Jace in the eye without a single flinch. Those feelings that have churned within him for years seem to be slipping away; more in fear and uncertainty perhaps for forcing a new duty on himself instead of pursuing what he thinks he actually needs, but Alec's never been able to think of himself first, and now is not the time to start.

Valentine is out there, Alec's family name in tatters, and the Institute about to slip from their grasp. Everything is churning up around him at once, and if he can silence the chattering in the back of his mind that speaks of Magnus on repeat then Alec is sure he can get through anything. Even this new set of things that he feels.

He's fighting against Jace, and that's not something he's ever been expecting to experience. Their priorities have changed, shifted, and Alec isn't sure if either one of them is right. But he has to stick to his principles, stand loyal by Lydia's side. He's aligned his life with hers now, so even if so much of this feels _wrong_ , he has to think with his head, instead of his heart.

So when he finds Magnus fixing wards outside the room he's fixing himself up in, Alec is temporarily thrown. That draw he feels to Magnus makes him physically jolt, and for a moment he's lost for words. But he's made his decision and now has to deal with the consequences of it. Alec tells himself this is not a big deal, when it feels like the biggest deal he's ever known.

"I'd thought I'd see how you are doing."

Magnus' kindness is almost the undoing of him, and Alec pleads for his words to come out simple when his feelings are threatening to churn out anything but.

"I meant to thank you for your advice. The whole… _follow your heart_ thing."

Alec's stomach drops for the hope that puts in Magnus' eyes. Magnus makes a joke but he barely hears it, instead memorizes every inch of his face. Maybe this will be easier if he just says goodbye. He shouldn't be feeling so much so soon anyway, Alec reminds himself yet another time.

"I'm getting married," he blurts out, holding his breath for Magnus' reaction. Alec's heart thuds painfully when Magnus seems to be _offering_ to be with him secretly, when Alec could never do such a thing to him. Magnus deserves to be celebrated, Alec thinks to himself, holding back a hysterical laugh for how true that statement feels. And the knowledge that he'll never be the person to celebrate him makes Alec more lost than he's ever felt.

"That's why I proposed to Lydia," he stammers, and is sure there is a light going out in Magnus' eyes as he talks. He stumbles over more words, monitoring every reaction of Magnus', recognizes his walls and mask slipping into place, and hates that he might have caused him hurt.

The Magnus that says goodbye to Alec is not the same one that Alec's not been able to get out of his mind. He is sharp, stoic, and slipping away from him with every step. Alec turns, wanting to call out even if he doesn't know to say what, but Magnus is already gone. Alec thinks he's never felt so lonely in his life.

* * *

Once again Alec finds himself aligning with Lydia, reassured for the sternness of her words, her certainty that being ruled by their heads is right. None of this feels _right_ to Alec, but he's committed to a path now, and he'll be damned if he deviates from this one when it feels like he has all others. Besides, he's going to live a _life_ with Lydia, and though it will be unconventional and is nothing like he ever wants, at least they both have similar ideals. He feels sick to his stomach about what lies ahead, but all this upheaval means he can push the thought of missing out on something important with Magnus far from his mind; temporarily, at least.

Fighting with Jace brings all that certainty crashing back down. But that Jace would think all his decision-making was solely because of _him_ stirs something angry in Alec. He can't face the thought of being without his parabatai, but neither can he deal with going against his word to Lydia. Alec knows he needs to protect Izzy, and perhaps he can focus on that above all else; easier to concentrate on his sister than let any other people creep back into his mind.

Everything is a whirlwind, and then on top of everything else when everything feels so frantic, he has to use his parabatai rune to track Jace. Alec is livid that this is the situation they've found themselves in; when did he and Jace stop knowing how to _talk_?

The worst thing, Alec thinks as he lies there trying to track Jace, is that his thoughts keep turning to Magnus. The hurt in his eyes and the way his walls slammed up in a matter of seconds is taunting him, making it difficult to fully concentrate on anything else, even if now is very much not the time to be thinking for anything but finding a way to help Izzy.


End file.
